Sunday, July 16, 2006

How did I let the days go by so fast?

Here is Jasmin the day after she was born in her "going home" dress. I feel a weird pang of sadness. Being pregnant with Jasmin was such an intimate relationship- before she was "her own". I wonder how much she missed being protected inside me. I wonder how pleased she is with her parents and her humble surroundings. Is she disappointed? Did God want this for her?

I know I've changed so much- and it hasn't hurt a bit. So many people are afraid of change. I was blessed to become pregnant with such an amazing spirit. I think those nine months forced me to surrender to "the force". As much as I feel blessed and more "significant" since becoming a mother, I teeter with notions of not being enough for her.

In a way, the "teetering" motivates me to work on myself and pursue everything I dreamed of. I know most people don't know it- but I am. It's been a terrific personal journey. As though, I'm evolving- and watching Jasmin's live evolve at the same time.

She is such a joy- pure joy. Even her cries and tears are joy- they empower me because I know that - for now - all she needs is my embrace. Her smile can unarmour even the most stoic individual. Her smiles send warmth to my soul, and effortlessly- my day becomes brighter.

Now- in anticipation of her growing mobility, I wonder how far she will stray from her mother. Did she only need me for that short time, even when I was an amateur? I hope we stay close for the rest of her life. I hope she never moves away from me permanently.

Now being back at home, I think I feel even more "Illinoi-sick". Knowing that the time we spent there was all that I dreamed it would be- I know what I'm missing.... what Jasmin is missing out on.

I hope that we will move back to give her what she will treasure for the rest of her life- memories with her whole family. What did we do moving away?!


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