Choices
My new layer of understanding:
A lot of times, I still ponder and feed the pool of tears in my heart. I revisit the reasons why I was abandoned as a child. The child part of me still asks "what can a three year old child do wrong enough to be given away"? The answer is that it wasn't anything that I did at all; my mother made a choice, and the tidal wave that ensued altered my life tremendously.
But now, the adult part of my mind keeps editing how I digest this information over and over again. If my mother hadn't made that somewhat tragic decision, my life would not have been blessed with enriching experiences and beautiful friendships that I cherish.
Most of all, if I'd stayed in Korea, I would not have met Todd and would not have brought Jasmin in the world. If the tears of my past were the price of the blessing of my daughter, then I should be thankful- if only about my Jasmin.
I got the better half of the deal. I did nothing wrong; I had nothing to regret; I was able to be highly educated; I was able to experience the world and not just a rice paddy;I grew up strong and survived all of my own choices. And now- I have my daughter. Yes- I have prevailed.
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Logical Tangent:
I read a post on another blog about losing a child through untimely death. With each word I read I felt my heart swell. The lady wrote about how our children are merely lent to us by God for a time. Though it is a beautiful sentiment that I agree with, I refuse to think that God would ever take my Jasmin away from me. Would he dare hurt me like that?
A lot of times, I still ponder and feed the pool of tears in my heart. I revisit the reasons why I was abandoned as a child. The child part of me still asks "what can a three year old child do wrong enough to be given away"? The answer is that it wasn't anything that I did at all; my mother made a choice, and the tidal wave that ensued altered my life tremendously.
But now, the adult part of my mind keeps editing how I digest this information over and over again. If my mother hadn't made that somewhat tragic decision, my life would not have been blessed with enriching experiences and beautiful friendships that I cherish.
Most of all, if I'd stayed in Korea, I would not have met Todd and would not have brought Jasmin in the world. If the tears of my past were the price of the blessing of my daughter, then I should be thankful- if only about my Jasmin.
I got the better half of the deal. I did nothing wrong; I had nothing to regret; I was able to be highly educated; I was able to experience the world and not just a rice paddy;I grew up strong and survived all of my own choices. And now- I have my daughter. Yes- I have prevailed.
Logical Tangent:
I read a post on another blog about losing a child through untimely death. With each word I read I felt my heart swell. The lady wrote about how our children are merely lent to us by God for a time. Though it is a beautiful sentiment that I agree with, I refuse to think that God would ever take my Jasmin away from me. Would he dare hurt me like that?
posted by crazy4jasmin at 3:55 PM
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