Saturday, April 29, 2006

Something is eating me up,
or did I eat 1 2 many cookies?

Or was it the chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans and gravy? Or my spinach lasagna for lunch. Or the muffin for a snack. Or the quesadilla con pollo for an early dinner?

What's stopping me from eating throughout the night? Gosh, did I wake up as a pig today? Actually, I've been eating like I've been on the Survivor show for most of this past week. What is eating me?

I'm an addict! Fat, carbs, proteins seduce my mind. What happened to my control? I'm sorry to admit it. I will not go to Food Eaters Anonymous! I'm not going to go on the wagon- pull on the wagon - build the wagon. I'm going to be a lifelong food addict!

Am I crazy? Half (well, I know there's some statistic out there) the people out there feel shamed into starving themselves- if even for a day or a half of a day. Am I going to give up cookies when I love to bake? Heck no! Will I have a few cookies in a day- and the next day too? Heck yes. People who starve themselves and or binge can like or dislike themselves just as much as a person of the other extreme.

Okay, so why do I have the right to talk like this? What do I know? Most people would look at me an consider me on the thin side. But my brain says, I'm fat. I could be "X" pounds underweight and I'd still think I'm too big for my body. I battled this voice in my head since I was in junior high and growing out of my bras. (I didn't need a life-vest when I had buoys attached to my body!)

I finallly figured out that "it" had nothing to do with how much I ate or weighed. My brain was the enemy- not the food. We give food superficial power over our emotions. I had to end the relationship cold turkey. No more dates, no more calls, and no more guilt trips! Don't assume that I don't maintain a daily struggle with that ended relationship. But it no longer has the better of me.

Is my five minutes of whining over yet? (refer to my post on 4/16) Oh, good. Then I'll have another scoop of ice cream! =p


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