Monday, April 10, 2006

I'm taking baby-steps...
I guess I'm still mentally adjusting to staying home with Jasmin. Don't get me wrong: I think it's groovy that I stay with her and watch her development. The traditional woman in me is battling the goal driven/working/independent woman I have tried to put in hibernation.
I'm coming to a realization that motherhood is not an extolled occupation among the masses. And, I feel myself missing out on the praise/positive feedback that I used to receive when I worked in the school. I feel like I only exist to my beloved daughter. And I feel guilty about not bringing in money to the household.
My mental tug-of-war tends to overwhelm me and contributes to a defeated mood. Every morning I feel guilty for not getting up and "going to work" as Todd does. I've been trying to make up for that deficiency by doing housework full-throttle. But, that only keeps me occupied. And when I don't have company to share a sparkling clean house with fresh baked goods, I feel bittersweet again.
I feel that I have so much to live up to now as a wife and mother and wonder if I am a person my daughter will be proud of. Is caring for her and loving her going to be enough? Have I proven to the world that I am indispensible?
I work hard to keep a happy house and mood. I feel that it's my responsibility to bring happiness and smiles into Jasmin's life. And there is where my biggest reward lies: she continually fuels my positive and happy outlook.
So, as I tune out the discord in my mind, I am secretly taking Jasmin's lead: baby steps. I used to chuckle at the movie "What about Bob?" when he was prescribed "baby steps" in therapy. But I'm seeing how monumental and helpful it is in my life. Go figure, the biggest adjustment I've made since becoming a mother is to think like a child. Isn't life ironic and beautiful?! =)


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