Saturday, April 22, 2006

Bittersweet Thoughts

I guess I'm feeling older; like my life and timeclock is being thrusted forward without my control. Am I feeling this way because I take things for granted? I certainly thought I was soaking up and savoring every minute of my new motherhood. But now, as Jasmin is growing out of her small baby clothes and getting bigger, I miss yesterday... and the day before that...and the day before that.

Perhaps it's hitting me all at once and I'm truly realizing how much I love being a mom that I fear that my role as a mother will be taken away from me too fast. Jasmin's just about five months old and I'm already missing her seven-eight-nine-ten pounder days. The days when all she knew how to do is to cry and stare intently into my eyes as I held her and sang silly songs.

I'm afraid of the day she'll stop being enthralled by my embrace, smiles, goofy voices and songs. I'm afraid of not mattering to her as much as I do now - as much as she matters to me today and and the next. I'm afraid we'll fall into the all to common family traps where we argue and grow apart. I'm afraid she'll take my heart when she leaves.

I'm getting separation anxiety with my beloved baby. I guess my mind is playing over the timeline and details of my relationship with my parents. Will Jasmin grow to dislike me? Will she ever come to a time where she understands and forgives the mistakes I have yet to make?

I feel crazy with anxiety. I love her so much it hurts. It makes me tear up to explain how much I love her. I've never felt so good about myself as when I became a mother- as if this is what I was meant to do- to be.

I hope she grows up feeling secure and loved and that she gravitates to her family and "home". And hopefully, when she's twenty-five my hugs will be as powerful and comforting as they are today. I hope I am (and will be) the mother she wants and needs.


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